operation have a gay friend backfired
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
