I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize