Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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