MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
