Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
