after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
