At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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