So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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