Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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