What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
