Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
