3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
