I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
