Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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