my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
