I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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