i think my tv is drunk
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Randomize