Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
