New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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