We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
