there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
