life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize