my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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