That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
