They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
