True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
