apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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