It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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