My sheets look like a crime scene.
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
