i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
