seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
