i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Found your dick twin last night
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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