I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize