but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
