bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
