I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
