Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
