If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
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