I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize