Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I just gargled with NyQuil
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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