Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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