I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
