I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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