Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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