rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
