One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
