Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
