eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
