textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I need to sanitize my soul.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
