Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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