Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize