I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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