His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
