So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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