Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
