I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
