I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
