I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
