I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize
