Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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